Marriage Coaching: Winning Plays in Real Time

by Alan & Autumn Ray

It’s seven o’clock Tuesday night when the doorbell rings, and marriage coaches Bill and Barbara hurry to greet Doug and Marsha. This is the fourth week the couples have met—the friendship is growing, and they look forward to their weekly sessions. Marsha and Doug chose marriage coaching to learn the relationship skills that can help their marriage last a lifetime.

The goal for this evening is to discuss conflict and how it impacts Marsha and Doug’s relationship. Coach Barbara explains that Marsha and Doug have learned to “play” on different teams – the teams of their families of origin – and they bring those teams’ plays into their marriage. Barbara uses an example from her own family. “My family was very verbal and loud when they discussed a problem while Bill’s family was quiet and didn’t talk about problems. You can imagine how those two different plays didn’t mesh when we were first married.” Coach Bill explains that Marsha and Doug have formed a new team and will learn how to create winning plays that work for both of them.

Barbara and Bill facilitate a discussion by reviewing statements that Marsha and Doug previously answered in a marriage inventory. The statement, “Parents and children made decisions together in our family,” prompts a serious discussion about Marsha and Doug’s different parenting expectations. Bill and Barbara coach the discussion to assure Doug and Marsha understand both views. At one point, Coach Bill notices Doug withdraws from the discussion and asks him about that. When Doug confirms Bill’s observation is correct, Bill asks him to tell Marsha with an “I statement” what caused him to withdraw. They are able to continue the discussion and, later, Marsha tells Coach Bill that they tend to get stuck during disagreements because Doug does withdraw – usually when she raises her voice.

Bill says, “Marsha, why don’t you ask Doug how you can help him to get back into a discussion when you sense he has withdrawn? I’ll bet the two of you can come up with a winning play.” Marsha directs that question to Doug and, after some discussion, they decide Marsha could say, “Doug, I think you might be leaving the game, and that is not what I want for us. What do you need to hear from me right now?” They practice saying it a couple of times and are excited to have a play that seems to work for both of them.

Coach Barbara has Doug write out the exact words on a “dynamic play card” and gives the card to Marsha so she can use it the next time he withdraws. Doug and Marsha insure there are no unforeseen barriers to implementing their new play and even discuss where to keep the card so it won’t be forgotten. The two-hour coaching session ends with a warm embrace and a commitment from Doug and Marsha to use their new play when that situation arises again. Bill and Barbara reflect on how far their coaching has come.

Couple coaches are also marriage educators. As educators they share tools for enhancing relationship skills and help reframe thinking about the marriage into a team perspective. As coaches, they come alongside another couple in a defined relationship and help them clarify issues, explore options, identify barriers, and move to action. Coaching by another couple offers unique challenges, opportunities, and rewards. Let’s take a look at a few.

Unique Challenges
Couple coaching is unique in that it isn’t about helping just one person move forward on an issue. It’s about supporting a team…and marriage really is a team. According to Katzenbach and Smith in The Wisdom of Teams, a team is:

“a small number of people [2] with complementary skills [man and woman] who are committed to a common purpose [life together], performance goals [happy family, successful children, early retirement, etc] and approach for which they hold themselves mutually accountable [brackets added].”¹

One of the major problems in marriages is that marriage teams often lack the approach for which they hold themselves mutually accountable. Couples instinctively approach their marriage with each spouse putting his or her needs above those of the team and. relationship. Coaches as marriage educators help couples reframe their understanding of what it takes to be successful in marriage. As coaches, they help couples create clarity, action and mutual accountability.

It is the “relationship” that is being coached. We are always asking the couple to consider, “What is best for the relationship?” Marriage is a team activity, and couples need to create a common playbook. Teams win or lose together. In the marriage, if one spouse feels like a loser on a particular issue, the relationship loses. Couples resonate with this team metaphor for the marriage, and we find that after a few weeks they are talking about each other as teammates and using team analogies to work through issues.

Another unique challenge of couple coaching is that the coaches themselves need to be on the same page as they work with their clients. It is common for one coach to pursue one line of questioning only to have the other coach see a different perspective and want to pursue that. While this can be disruptive, good couple coaches learn how to work as a team and turn this challenge into an opportunity.

Unique Opportunities
For instance, a coach wife might be a “stuffer” who tends to clam up when her spouse pushes one of her buttons. It is easy for her to recognize and relate in a very genuine and transparent way with a husband who might be stuffing his feelings to avoid conflict to the detriment of his marriage.

In one situation, a coach couple observed that their client couple was not making progress in understanding each other’s perspective—so they asked if they could model the discussion for the couple. One coach took the wife’s view and the other coach took the husband’s and discussed the issues as they had been presented. Concluding the role play, the husband thanked the coach playing his part for “not selling me out” with a quick capitulation. The demonstration illustrated what speaking assertively with “I statements” and listening actively looked like so the couple could address the issue constructively.

Another opportunity coach couples have is to share appropriately their own experiences. This is often difficult for a pastor or counselor to do. While coaching is always about the couple being coached, limited sharing can normalize issues and give couples hope that solutions can be found.

Rewards
We had no idea how rewarding couple coaching would be when we started seven years ago. But as we look back at all the couples we have coached and trained, we realize this is the most rewarding activity we have done as a couple with the single exception of raising our own family. The couple coaching model is a powerful tool for helping other couples achieve their dreams and goals.

Al and Autumn Ray are the founding directors of MarriageTeam, a 501(c)(3) non-profit dedicated to empowering couples for winning marriages. www.marriageteam.org

¹Katzenbach, Jon R. and Douglas K. Smith, The Wisdom of Teams: Creating the High Performance Organization (New York: McKinsey and Company, HarperCollins Publishers), 2003, p 45.