01/02/07
Camas couple teams up to create successful marriages
Alan and Autumn Ray aim to strengthen bonds of engaged and married couples
By Dawn Feldhaus
Camas-Washogual Post-Record staff

     For Heather Tanaka, a six-week premarital program produced some positive results for her marriage. Tanaka and her husband Rick, of Vancouver, are among area couples that have participated in "MarriageTeam" programs. The Tanakas found out about the premarital coaching program through Laurelwood Baptist Church, in Vancouver. The couple, now married three years, has two sons.
     Heather said she appreciated learning from "mentor couple" Bill and Judy Douglas. "They taught us better communication skills so we'd know how to argue fairly and come to a resolution without going through all the bad fights," she said. "We had not had any [fights] before then, and we had to come up with a fake issue to fight over."
     “It was nice having another couple married for 35 years or more giving us tips and real life examples of things they’ve gone through,” Heather added. “I’ve recommended it to friends of mine and coworkers.”
     Alan and Autumn Ray, of Camas, are the founders of the MarriageTeam program. The couple has been married for 36 years. Al has a Master’s degree in counseling and human development from Troy State University, in Troy, Al., while Autumn has a Bachelor of Science degree with an emphasis in social work from Excelsior College, in Albany, N.Y.
     The MarriageTeam program is designed to improve marriages and reduce the divorce rate by developing and delivering couple coaching services, according to Alan. Statistics compiled by the Family Research Council indicate that divorce has negative effects on children. The effects can include emotional and behavioral problems, illegal drug use, and weak family relationships. For adults, the effects can include depression, suicide and financial loss.
Autumn said she and Alan noticed there was “a real need for an alternative to counseling.”
     “Counseling can be expensive and intimidating,” she said. “Coaching involves a husband and a wife meeting with a couple to discuss communication, anger management, conflict resolution, causes of bitterness, planning for the future, and intimacy.”  Couples involved in the premarital coaching program meet for six weeks, while marriage coaching can last up to 12 weeks.
Autumn said there are many rewards associated with the MarriageTeam program. “The marriages on the brink of divorce that have been saved, the families that have been affected, and the children seeing role modeling in their home,” she said. “Children have the opportunity to see some positive role models after their parents have completed the coaching.”
“One of the biggest challenges is having people understand that this is available to them as an alternative to counseling, and how very non-threatening it is and very rewarding it is,” Autumn added.  “They can gain so much in such a short amount of time. They can literally have the relationship they always wanted.”
     She said the MarriageTeam coaches also reap benefits.
“When you coach, it improves your own relationship,” Autumn said. “Both of you can see the same rewards of helping another couple.”
Topics of discussion during premarital coaching include conflict resolution and forgiveness.
     “In the premarital stages, couples tend to overlook issues and tend to minimize issues and often they expect the person will change once they’re married,” Autumn said. “People who have been married for a while are not willing to overlook the issues anymore. The small issues become annoyances and frustrations. They’ve developed poor communication skills by that time.
“It is important to prepare for a lifelong relationship,” she added. “You spend a lot of time preparing for the wedding and planning for the wedding, but how much time do couples actually prepare for the marriage.”  Autumn said studies have shown that premarital coaching will help a couple for the first three years. After that, people need another “enrichment experience” such as marriage coaching, weekend retreats or classes.
     The Rays said their faith has played a big part in the success of their marriage. “Divorce was never an option,” Autumn said. “We are committed to having a respectful, loving, mutually-beneficial, rewarding relationship. That’s what we work towards, so we continually help each other reach those goals.
“That’s what a team is all about,” she added. “That’s why we call it ‘MarriageTeam. Each person helps the other person become the best person. When one person hurts, the team hurts.”
     Training for potential MarriageTeam coaches will be held this month. There are also opportunities to volunteer as grant writers, training assistants, fundraisers, graphic artists and legal and marketing assistants.
     “We really hope to see a real transformation of our community — reduce divorces and promote stronger marriage relationships for healthier children,” Autumn said. “The outcome of this program can be more positive role models and more stability for our youth and our young children.  “We want to help marriages and children, but in the long run it will help the community,” she added.
     For more information, call the Rays at 450-6042 or e-mail al at marriageteam dot org. Additional details can be found online at www.MarriageTeam.org.