Al and Autumn Ray of Camas recorded the first three segments of MarriageTeam's radio show in their kitchenette before moving production to KPDQ's studio in the Milwaukie, Ore., area. The Rays founded MarriageTeam in 2006. They hope to expand MarriageTeam beyond Portland and Clark County and establish a network of marriage coaches nationwide. Their ultimate goal is to cut divorce rates in participating communities. (JANET L. MATHEWS/The Columbian)
Marriage Coaching
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
By MARY ANN ALBRIGHT, Columbian staff writer
Getting married is like being traded to a new sports team. Fumbles are likely to occur if each player comes to the game with an old playbook, one with strategies the other person doesn't recognize. Vancouver-based MarriageTeam helps couples develop new plays to win the marriage bowl.
MarriageTeam offers training sessions led by volunteer marriage coaches, and in late January brought its version of a relationship boot camp to the airwaves.
On the Saturday radio show, marriage coaches Al and Autumn Ray of Camas help a couple work through an issue on-air. The Rays are not licensed counselors, but they offer a neutral third party to help facilitate discussions. The approach on the show is faith-based, but the couple-to-couple coaching technique can be adapted for a more secular technique.
"We don't solve their problems. We give them the tools to solve the problems on their own," said Autumn Ray, 58, who co-founded the nonprofit MarriageTeam along with Al, her husband of 37 years.
Using the sports analogy helps couples start thinking of themselves as a unit, the Rays said, adding that it's an especially effective frame of reference for men.
"So often in a relationship, it's me against you. When you change the focus from getting my way to getting the best solution for the team, you've got a common objective," said Al, 60, MarriageTeam's executive director.
For the Rays' daughter, Brianna Abraham and her husband, Mohit, that shared goal was developing a less combative communication style.
The Abrahams were featured on the first segment of MarriageTeam's radio show using the pseudonyms Kayla and Ashton.
The Abrahams live in Camas and have been married for more than five years. They sought out coaching after friends commented that they tended to argue back and forth over who was right about trivial details. The banter made others uncomfortable and sometimes the people around them would assume they were fighting.
Speaking in code
On the show, the Rays helped the Abrahams come up with a code they could use when one of them noticed their team was falling into a pattern of correcting each other. Their new play was the phrase "dead horse." When one says "dead horse" to the other it's a signal that it's time to drop the debate and move on.
It's been several weeks, and so far the strategy is working well, the couple said.
"The code word helped us nip (the problem) in the bud," said Mohit, 28, an electrical engineer.
"My husband and I use it a lot when we feel like we're getting nitpicky, and we laugh about it. It works really well," added Brianna, 28, a biology teacher at Camas High School.
It sounds like an off-hand comment to outsiders, and sometimes friends don't even notice when they use it in a group setting. When people ask questions, the Abrahams are happy to explain why they say "dead horse." The response is usually positive.
"They often say, 'We could use something like that,' " Mohit said.
The "dead horse" play probably isn't something the Abrahams would have come up with on their own, they said.
"It enables you to talk more rationally about the issue. Also, (marriage coaches) ask questions that when you're in the moment you don't think of," Brianna said.
Their daughter and son-in-law aren't the only ones reaping the benefits of the Rays' new radio show.
Engaged Vancouver couple Jorge Aguilar and Veronica Rangel recently stopped by the KPDQ studio, near Milwaukie, Ore., to work through a recurring source of discord before getting married in September.
Jorge, a manager in the global football division at Nike, typically gets home from work before Veronica, an event coordinator at a financial planning firm. He'll be watching a sporting event or television show, and she'll arrive and want to start talking to him right away.
With the Rays guiding them, the couple established some new communication ground rules.
"The game or show isn't more important than love, but if it's not something really important, she will try to wait for a commercial or halftime," Jorge said.
For his part, he will start giving more verbal or physical signs that he is listening. During their coaching session, the couple realized that Jorge sometimes doesn't respond when Veronica is talking, leading her to think he's tuning her out even when that isn't the case. Now he's working on more active listening. The segment on their coaching session will air later this month.
"When you've got a mediator from outside the circle, usually they can see both sides," he said.
How to get involved with MarriageTeam
MarriageTeam's radio show airs from noon to 12:30 p.m. Saturdays on Christian radio station KPDQ 800 AM. Segments also can be downloaded from MarriageTeam's Web site, marriageteam.org. Couples who would like to be on-air guests and work through an issue with marriage coaches Al and Autumn Ray can call 360-450-6042. There is no cost to be on the show, but the couple would need to come to KPDQ's studio near Milwaukie, Ore., for an hour or two on a Saturday.
MarriageTeam is looking for more couples to become trained marriage coaches. Coaches volunteer their time, helping other couples work through challenges and develop positive communication skills. To become coaches, couples must undergo 26 hours of training, spread over two weekends. The next training session starts March 7. The cost is $199 per couple. Some scholarships are available. For more information, call 360-450-6042 or visit marriageteam.org.
MarriageTeam has 23 coach couples, most of them in the Vancouver area, who work one-on-one with other couples to improve their relationships. The cost for eight to 12 sessions is $160 for married couples and $120 for premarital couples.
